the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
