It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
