So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
