you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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