Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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