Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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