just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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