I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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