Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
