dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
