hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
