you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
