I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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