Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
