It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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