HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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