The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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