I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
