I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize