if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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