just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
