Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
