omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
