Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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