I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
