I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Another day, another engagement, another cat
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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