I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize