I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
