my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
