Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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