My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
