He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
