Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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