Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
