I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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