and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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