just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
