The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
