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This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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