you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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