Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
