Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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