Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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