I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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