Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
