im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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