Porn is love you can see.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
