when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize