i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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