just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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