I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
