my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I intend to get homeless drunk
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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