Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
