I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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