So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
