apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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