I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
