I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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