your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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