Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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