it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
