is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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