What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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