Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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