i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
