Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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